God is just a phone call away By Sister Bernice
God Phones
The power of prayer so popular but largely disappointing for those who are poor in faith, is being marketed by Christian businessmen. P.U.S.H (Pray Until Something Happens Inc) are redesigning telephones and cell phones with a new state of the art operating system that allows the godly user to dial up our Lord direct. This is good news indeed for the poor in faith and also non believers. These pretty little telephones and cell phones have a delightful Jesus motif "I have not forsaken you." and are designed in the shape of a cross with a figure of our Lord as the actual handset! The buttons are coloured red, symbolic of our Lord's blood and the handsets for the cell phones are wrapped in Jesus-esque sandles.
Glory!
A must have for the truly discerning.
God Calling
Not being au fait with the occult mysticism of Science, this buxom blonde reporter for Christendom has to rely on the jargon and incomprehensible spiel from the makers who claim that not only does God actually answer your telephone prayers but he refers you on to His Administrative staff if you press #. So at long last you can hear the voice of our terrible Lord. Or alternatively you may want to press button 1 for billing and afterlife destination inquiries. Or press button 2 for sins, forgiveness and repentance, or button 3 for any general inquiries and button 6 for atheists to hear how Satan will welcome you with open arms in Hell.
Praise!
God Guarantee Or Life Back
Callers will be asked only for their first and last names, nicknames are not recognised by the Trinity. If the line is busy then a pleasant and uplifting hymnal is played with a real live angelic choral accompanied mostly with a full live orchestra. The music played is surprisingly good and not some god awful tinny classical music: it is in surround.
In fact our Lord hates Beethoven and anything shamelessly classical so Sister Amelia and Jesus Ministries™ recommend you ditch all classical CD's pronto or face the afterlife consequences when you meet our maker.
Which I guarantee you will not be postponed, but only hurried: regardless of the paper work.
Joy!