Dearest Novices in Christ
I am constantly asked why and how I became God's Favourite Handmaiden and Nun.
Well, Dear Reader, the truth be told I wasn't born a Nun or indeed a Handmaiden.....well not in the traditional sense.
When I was a child I knew there was something special: superficial even and different about me.
My family were Baptists and I would avidly read the bible 24/7 hungrily soaking up every word, and nuance and letting my mind run riot as fast as it possibly could as I read about Godly women such as Mary, Mother of Jesus, pregnant and unwed teen who should have said "NO!" and concentrated on her school work... it is Mary who was also given the sobriquet Queen Of Heaven and is known as Isis, Astarte, and Asherah in the bible.
And of course women such as Eve, wife to Adam, who was literally a born fabricator, as well as Sarah, wife of Abraham who liked to nag, have bouts of jealousy, regarding the concubines in Abes Harem and was known to enjoy being a swinger and dabble in husband swapping when rich men were in town. And then there is darling and sweet Tamar a known whore and my favourite heroine: Zipporah the first Mrs Bobbit ever who didn't restrict her knife skills to husbands but to all men thus starting the tradition of circumcision and being founder of The Eunuchs 'R Us Guild, as well as Deborah the Boadiccea of Israel.
So naturally women like these, influential women like these, inspired me as a child.
I've always prided myself on my ability to stop traffic simply by my looks. So one day as I was mulling over where to cause another note worthy incident in London, I was approached by a man who had a strange and yet appealing accent. At first I thought he was a Northerner or Scottish person who thought he was speaking English. I eventually understood his name after patiently removing his successive spittle from my face and eyes whenever he was pronouncing - Achmed - or indeed whenever he was generaly dialoguing with me... but then he told me (after I had asked him to speak incredibly slowly and write what he was saying) that he was a Muslim and it all clicked into place.
My general advice to men and women when encountering Muslims is to wear a face guard and also casually offer them a cloret.
After getting to know him whilst retaining my virginity... but putting my mouth to good oral use.... I was slowly initiated into the world of Islam. And eventually I became a Muslim Sister who discovered that her Muslim Brothers liked to form familial relationships in the most unchristian way with each other, as well as with their sisters.
This only lasted after 6 weeks as I realised that the Bhurka - although meant to limit women's power to sexually attract men, in the same way that Victorian Prudery naively thought that by covering a table with a cloth is the equivalent of a cold shower that douses the fires of hot blooded men and lascivious women, to all intents and purposes led to practical failure in doing the job - at least in my experience.
And besides I felt that Islam wasn't really for me since no one could see my face, and if I raised my voice to be heard whilst conversing with the menfolk - I ended up making incredible faux pas as the buhrka tended to muffle my voice - which often reminded me of the days I used to wear a muzzle - and really, who wants to go around in public looking like an ersatz spook, bumping into everything imaginable because visibility is THAT poor? I found myself having to make the eye slits bigger and sympathising with the ghosts of the scooby doo cartoon.
Also I was positively exhausted after being constantly subjected to overly familiarity with my Muslim Family especially since they preferred the Backdoor Entrance. Although I enjoyed Achmed's personal instructions and literally hands on ministrations. I began to pine for something less awkward, less painful at times and less exhausting, less secretive and less constraining. I really needed something more superficial, more Victorian, more Medievil and even more oppressive and suppressive. Basically I needed Christianity.
I also realised at the time that I needed to replenish my morning after pills.
It happened one day that I was in the Garden of Eden a local Welsh restaurant uncannily situated in the South East of London that was purposefully Vegan which is where I met Sister Bernice - who is currently the fiancé of our Lord ( although at the time of our meeting she wasn't). Something about her made me reminisce to childhood's Memory Lane where I would gaily play and frolick in the world of the Bible. And it dawned upon me as I was scrutinising her with feline critique - otherwise known as Bitchiness - that I would look absolutely stunning as a Nun and ten times better than Sister Bernice ever could.
So after signing my life and rights away to God I worked my way up the Convents Ladder and voila! here I am, God's Personal Handmaiden, Assistant, Earthly Advisor, Evanglist Extraordinaire and Confidante.
I have never looked back since I signed The Contract and have recieved blessings upon blessings. I am probably the Third Woman in Religions Fabricated History thats Most Blessed Amongst All Women.
Glory and Hallelujah and thanks be to God.